Gone off the rails

So, SlimmingWorld isn’t going so well I’ve had about 8weeks where I haven’t really been on plan due to operation. With a lot of the things I eat being out of my control as I’ve been unable to prep or cook for myself. But on the flip to that – all I’ve wanted to eat is crap and food that isn’t so good for me. The high syns. The chocolate. The crisps. The sweets. I’ve really battled my head with I want to loose weight vs I want the crap. It’s like 2 devils on my shoulder. The good one and the bad one. Each trying to persuade me their route is the route I need to take. Currently the devil is winning. I feel like I’ve spiralled out of control.

At my best I lost just over 2stone and I wanted to loose at least another one. Now I feel like I’ve put so much back on I need to re-loose what I tried so hard to loose before.

I went 4weeks after surgery and I’d only gained 1lb which I was surprised it wasn’t more. After a couple more weeks I went and had put 3lb on. I’m being put down as hospital at the moment due to lack of mobility and control – which I wander if that is contributing to the devil winning. I know that I haven’t got weigh in on Saturday. Combined with some I gained at crimbo.

Another element to the devil winning is feeling bad for my partner. Previously I would come home from work and cook the dinner and clean etc as he would put the PlayStation on. Now he is having to have the responsibility of feeding us. I feel bad for this especially days when he is tired – but it has given him an insight to what I do. So maybe – if he’s tired and suggests pizza or chip shop that is opposite our house – I feel bad then making him cook. So, it’s just another contributing factor to the devil winning.

It’s all a choice. It’s will power. And currently my choices are not where they should be. Do I care? Yes. Yes I actually do. I know I feel different and yucky and want to get back on plan. But sharp knives and balancing isn’t such a good mix. Within 3 weeks I should be off crutches back to normal. This cannot happen quick enough!! I need to get my will power back and make better choices

Crutches Vs Public Transport

So, I had an operation and had to spend a few weeks on crutches. Me being me – as soon as I could weight bear I went back to work. Many said I shouldn’t. Many would have made use of the 4 week sick note. Not me. Operation on Friday. Worked from home Monday. Anyway. My commute to work. Luckily my partner has driven to the station but it is train and then bus the other end. Being on crutches in an air boot has given me a very small insight to how we as the population treat the disabled. And please I am not saying for one minute this is the same but as I am technically considered disabled with other conditions I see this daily but invisible disabilities are impossible for the population to work around.

So the train comes in and I hop along to the closest door and join the queue. Typically my platform placement did not match where a door was. So, I hop along and join the queue. People are so keen to get on and get a seat that pushing in front of people is apparently very important because it seems all that matters is everyone just thinking about themselves. So I’m stood on crutches with middle aged men and women pushing in front of me until one eagle eyed man spots me and let’s me on ahead of him and he hold back others. I am very grateful and say thank you. So, almost invisible to most as the focus is get on get a seat. I am now on the train. Now let’s try to get a seat. Situated at the end of each carriage is disabled seats. Showing available – so they are not booked seats. I stand next to and say “excuse me please could I sit there”. In return I get a dirty look as the person huffs off to find another seat. So far my journey is going great. Trying to get off the train – I’ve had people literally try to push past me and get on the train whilst I am at the door trying to get off. I just don’t understand this. You can see me. You can see my crutches. You know I’m here as you are physically touching me to get past. Now to get a bus to get me to work. I get on pay for a ticket and as I walk to the disabled seats at the front and whilst I’m still walking to the seat the bus pulls of – I’m already very unstable, the floor is wet and slippery -This just tops it. That’s just getting to work! Repeat this every morning and evening to get to and from work.

It just shows priorities. Instead of using our eyes, looking around and looking out for people who may need additional help. The individual tunnel vision and need for seat is of more importance than looking around and even considering other people. If nothing else this has given me just a small insight as to how hard it must be for people with visible disabilities let alone those with invisible disabilities.

So, if your reading this. All I ask is that you open your eyes. Observe those around you and have some consideration for those more vulnerable people in our communities.